


Slow Steps, Quiet Harmony

by LyriaBlackFrost



Series: Fic Requests [7]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lovers Yusuke, M/M, Moon Ryuji, arcana swap au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 15:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20211970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: After having his leg broken by Kamoshida, instead of rebelling, Ryuji chooses to isolate himself, in an attempt to avoid being hurt again. Meanwhile, Yusuke, unable to keep painting after years of abuse in Madarame’s hands, tries to change his personality in order to fit in and become worthy of being loved.As the two of them grow closer and open up to each other, they also begin to recover those parts of themselves that they had judged long gone.





	Slow Steps, Quiet Harmony

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tigerlizii. Thanks for the request, it was really fun to write! This one ended up much longer than I expected, and it's _at least_ 90% dialogue... I hope you don't mind it. :')
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the fic!

Ryuji made his way out of the Kosei High-School dormitories. The red from his Shujin uniform easily stood out among the blue of theirs, making some curious eyes turn to look at him. He kept his head low, in an attempt of avoiding any eye contact.

He hated being the center of other people’s attention, even for a short while. To someone like him, who wasn’t particularly good-looking or interesting, with grades way below average and a bad leg that made him limp slightly, people rarely had a good reason to look at him, and, when they did, part of Ryuji already expected to get in trouble.

The realization that someone was walking at a slower pace, just a few feet ahead of him, was what finally made him look up. Despite being unable to see his face, it was easy to recognize that tall and lean figure, wearing a Kosei jacket that had been stylized enough to make him stand out among the other students, but not enough to get him in trouble. Ryuji hastened his steps to reach him.

“Yusuke?” he called.

Yusuke stopped walking, turning around. A surprised smile took his lips as soon as his eyes met Ryuji’s.

“Oh, Ryuji!” He raised his hand, moving his own bangs away from his face. “How unexpected. What are you doing here?”

Ryuji couldn’t help but think of how Yusuke’s hair had grown longer since they first met, now almost touching his shoulders. It looked good on him.

“Comin’ back from my job, kinda.” He indicated the violin case on his back. “I teach violin to the daughter of my mom’s friend, and she studies here too.”

Yusuke raised his brow at that answer.

“I didn’t know you could play the violin,” he said.

“Yeah,” Ryuji shrugged. “Violin, guitar… A bit of keyboard too, but I’m still kinda clumsy.”

“That’s impressive.”

That honest response left Ryuji without reaction.

“It’s nothin’, really…” He averted his gaze with an embarrassed smile. “It doesn’t mean anythin’ if I can’t make them sound good.”

Yusuke didn’t seem less impressed.

“Can I hear you play?” he asked.

Ryuji opened his mouth, hesitating for a moment before answering.

“Ah, sure, but…” he glanced around. “I probably shouldn’t do that out here.”

“We could go to my dormitory, if you don’t mind,” suggested Yusuke. “It’s very close to here.”

The idea of playing for another person — especially _Yusuke_, — made Ryuji slightly uncomfortable, but he knew he didn’t have a reason to refuse. He nodded, following Yusuke to his room.

“Here we are,” said his friend, closing the door behind them.

Yusuke sat on his bed, looking at Ryuji with expectant eyes. _Oh, fuck__… The pressure._

“Just don’t expect anythin’ that great,” asked Ryuji as he opened his case. “I’ve only been playin’ for around a year now.”

He took his violin, checking if it was tuned, despite having used it just a few minutes ago. While he did it, Ryuji tried to think of a song he could play, and ended up choosing the main theme from a game that he liked since he was a kid. After taking some deep breaths, he started to play. Yusuke watched in silence until he finished.

“Well, that’s it…” Ryuji let out an awkward chuckle, lowering his instrument.

“It was lovely,” said Yusuke.

He sounded sincere, and it made Ryuji smile.

“Well, thanks.” He hesitated a little before offering him the violin. “Wanna try it?”

Yusuke looked from Ryuji to the instrument, seeming unsure.

“I’ve never even touched one before,” he admitted.

“I’ll be real here…” said Ryuji with an amused tone. “It’ll sound like shit, but it gets better with practice.”

Yusuke carefully held the violin, staring at the instrument, not knowing what to do with it. Ryuji helped him, then gently corrected the way he held the bow — as if he was about to hit someone with it. He gave Yusuke some instructions, guiding the movements of his arm and fingers. Despite his efforts, Yusuke let out a defeated sigh after just a few minutes.

“Disastrous...” he said as he returned the instrument to Ryuji.

“I warned you.” Ryuji giggled at that disappointed reaction. “It takes time before you get any good at it.”

“I don’t think I have the eardrum strength to endure this until I get better.”

Ryuji shook his head, smiling as he carefully placed his violin back on its case. Yusuke sat on his bed again, gesturing for Ryuji to do the same.

“You can ask me if you ever feel like tryin’ again.” He said after a moment. “I’m not the best teacher, but I can still help with some things.”

“I believe plastic arts are more of my area.” As soon as Yusuke said that, his smile became sour. He corrected himself: “Or at least it was.”

He crossed his arms, averting his gaze. Ryuji observed him, pondering if he should say something about that statement, or simply change the subject. He chose to take that risk.

“Why did you stop?” he asked in a low voice.

Yusuke didn’t answer for a while, and regret began to fill Ryuji’s chest.

“Sorry…” he said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s not a problem.” Yusuke answered quickly, glancing at him before lowering his eyes again. “I simply can’t stand to even think about it anymore.”

The pain in his words hit too close to home.

“But don’t you miss it?” asked Ryuji.

A sad smile took Yusuke’s lips.

“Every single day,” he admitted.

“I see.”

Ryuji absentmindedly hugged his violin case.

“I hope you can do it again someday,” he muttered.

“Maybe it’s better if I don’t.” Yusuke made a pause, thinking for a moment. “Though that means I will soon lose my scholarship, and have to leave this school when the next semester comes.”

Those words made Ryuji stare at him, concerned. For Yusuke, losing his scholarship and leaving Kosei also meant losing his current living place.

“Do you have anywhere else to go?” he asked.

“No,” admitted Yusuke with a heavy sigh. “I will have to think of something until then.”

“Shit, man…” Without thinking, Ryuji placed a hand on his shoulder. “If things go bad, just tell me, okay? You can spend some time at my place, if you need to.”

Ryuji was already thinking of where they would fit Yusuke’s belongings in that tiny apartment he shared with his mother. He knew she wouldn’t say no to a friend in need, considering everything the two of them had gone through in the past. His thoughts were interrupted when he realized Yusuke had his eyes on him, a fond smile on his face.

“That is a very kind proposal,” he said. “I believe my part-time savings should be enough for me to survive until I find a new place to stay, but I will keep your words in mind.”

It wasn’t unusual to see Yusuke smiling, but still… There was something in that expression that made Ryuji’s heart flutter. That guy… He was really _gorgeous_, wasn’t he?

“Okay,” answered Ryuji, brushing away those thoughts. “That’s good to know.”

“By the way,” proceeded Yusuke, “if you come so frequently to my school, why didn’t you ever come pay me a visit?”

“I just come on Thursdays, and I had no reason to bother you.”

His answer made Yusuke frown.

“It wouldn’t be a bother,” he said. “In all honesty, it would be a welcome change in the routine.”

He couldn’t bring himself to believe those words. Not that he thought Yusuke disliked him, but he couldn’t imagine a reason why Yusuke, from all people, would want someone like _him _around. Instead of questioning it, however, Ryuji decided to go along with his politeness.

“If you say so,” he answered with a small shrug.

Those thoughts made him realize that, maybe, he was overstaying his welcome. Yusuke had already seen him playing the violin, so there was no reason for him to stay there, wasting Yusuke’s time and being an annoyance. Thinking about that made his stomach turn.

“I should go back now,” he said, quickly getting up. “I still have to make dinner before my mom gets home.”

Yusuke stood up as well.

“I will accompany you to the station,” he said.

That statement caught Ryuji by surprise.

“You don’t need to,” he said.

“I insist.”

Ryuji was about to refuse that offer again, but stopped himself. Truth was, part of him was constantly hoping he could spend more time with Yusuke outside of the Metaverse, but… at the same time, he was aware of how awkward he was, and his tendency to make others uncomfortable with his sudden silences, when he couldn’t think of anything funny or interesting to say. Still, the idea of being with him for just a little longer was too tempting… As much as he knew that was a bad idea, he ended up nodding in response.

“Thanks,” he said with a small smile.

They left Yusuke’s room together. Outside, Yusuke offered to carry Ryuji’s bag for him, saying that they should share the weight. After some insistence, Ryuji took his offer.

“Just give it back if it’s too heavy,” he said.

Yusuke simply smiled back. They made their way to the station, walking close, but not close enough to touch. Ryuji spent so much time stressing over what he should say that, when he realized, they had already arrived at the station. He groaned to himself, frustrated.

“So, here we are,” said Yusuke, returning Ryuji’s bag.

“Yeah,” Ryuji took it, placing it over his shoulder. “Thanks again.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Once again, silence. Ryuji hated the idea of parting ways like that, so he tried to force his mind to come up with something.

“I—”

He wasn’t sure of what he was about to say, but, before he could proceed, Yusuke spoke.

“Ryuji, would you mind if we saw each other again?”

Ryuji furrowed his brow, slightly confused by that question.

“Aren’t we always seein’ each other, though?” he asked. “Phantom Thieves ‘n all…”

“No, I meant…”

The slightly flustered look on Yusuke’s face made realization fall upon Ryuji. He could do nothing but stare at Yusuke for a moment, as his friend struggled with the words.

“Nevermind.” He finally said, a humorless smile on his lips. “It was a foolish thought.”

Yusuke turned his gaze away. Ryuji observed him for a while, still unable to react to the idea that, maybe, Yusuke _wanted_ to spend time with him as well. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before he finally gathered the courage to speak.

“Hey, Yusuke…” he said. “Are you free this Sunday?”

Yusuke looked at him again, eyes slightly widened.

“I believe so,” he said.

“Let’s go somewhere, then.”

Before Yusuke could give him an answer, the sound of a train approaching startled Ryuji.

“Shit, that’s my train!” He reached for his pass, glancing at Yusuke as soon as he crossed the turnstile. “I’ll message you later!”

Yusuke nodded. Ryuji managed to reach the train before the doors closed, then looked outside through the door, seeing his friend still there. He waved at Yusuke, who returned the gesture with a gentle smile. As soon as the train departed, Ryuji allowed himself to fall on one of the free seats, hiding his face behind his violin case as his fake confidence crumbled and he was taken by pure anxiety.

_He had asked Yusuke out_… He did it without thinking, moved only by impulse and no rational thinking at all. He told himself that Yusuke tried to do the same thing moments before him, but there was a persistent voice in his head that kept saying he had probably creeped his friend out. Ryuji’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he grabbed it, looking at the screen. It was a message from Yusuke.

_ **Yusuke: What time would be best for you?** _

A moment later, a new one followed.

_ **Yusuke: On Sunday, I mean.** _

Ryuji inhaled deeply, unable to stop a goofy smile from taking his face.

**Ryuji: I** **’m free the whole day.**

**Ryuji: Whenever is best for you.**

_ **Yusuke: Let** _ _ **’s meet early, then.** _

_ **Yusuke: How about ten in the morning?** _

_ **Yusuke: We** _ _ **’ll have more time together this way.** _

_More time together._ Oh, shit… His heart definitely wasn’t ready for those words.

  
**Ryuji: Sounds good to me.**

  
There was no way he was going to sleep that night.

* * *

Sunday was only a few days away, but it seemed to take an eternity to actually come. There was no reason to be _that_ nervous, Ryuji knew. It would just be a pair of friends spending time together… Nothing out of the ordinary.

_Who he thought he was kidding?_ No matter how many times he said everything would be fine, he still couldn’t relax. Despite having arrived almost twenty minutes early, five minutes of wait were enough for him to believe Yusuke wouldn’t appear. Why would he, after all? It was silly to think that…

“Oh, you’re already here.”

Ryuji raised his gaze from his phone screen, seeing Yusuke in his casual clothes, close to him.

“Ah, yeah…” Somehow, Ryuji was able to hide his relief. “I kinda woke up early, and had nothin’ to do at home.”

“I’m glad I also arrived early, then.”

That beautiful smile again… It was enough to melt away Ryuji’s insecurity. He returned it, more relaxed.

“So, where do you wanna go first?” he asked.

“Why don’t we take a walk?” suggested Yusuke. “We might have some idea while at it.”

“Alright.”

They left the station, casually chatting for a while. Ryuji felt like, even if they did nothing but that the whole day, it would still be great.

That was the first of their many following dates. Spending time together soon became a habit, be it something more planned out, or simply hanging out at their places. With time, that certainty that Yusuke would get tired of being around him also faded from Ryuji’s heart.

On his way back home from school, Ryuji came across the promotional poster for a new movie. He recognized the name of a foreign movie Yusuke had commented about. According to the poster, it would come out on the next day. Ryuji smiled to himself, taking a picture of it. As soon as he got home, he sent it to Yusuke. He waited a little, until the message was marked as read, then called his friend.

“Did you see the picture I sent you?” he asked as soon as Yusuke picked up.

“_Yes, just a moment before you called.”_

“Is that the movie you talked about?”

“_Precisely.”_

“Seems like the release is tomorrow,” he made a brief pause. “Whaddya say? Wanna go see it?”

“_I think I could go after my dance class.”_

The answer took Ryuji by surprise.

“Dance class?” he repeated.

“_Yes. I joined a Ballroom Dance class a few months ago, to keep my thoughts away from…” _Yusuke stopped talking for a moment. _“You know what.” _

Ryuji knew what he meant, and chose not to touch that complicated subject.

“I didn’t know.”

“_I don’t talk much about it,” _Yusuke sighed. _“There’s still some prejudice against men who like to dance, even among my friends.”_

“That’s stupid…”

“_I agree.”_

Yusuke hesitated a little before proceeding.

“_Would you like to accompany me to it?” _he asked. _“We can watch the movie after I finish.”_

“Isn’t that a problem?” asked Ryuji.

“_Not in the least,” _a small chuckle. _“If you don’t mind seeing my instructor and I dancing for an entire hour, that is.”_

“I’m kinda curious, to be honest.”

“_It’s decided, then. I’ll meet you in Shibuya tomorrow, after class. We can go together from there.”_

“Sounds good.” Ryuji smiled to himself, excited with the idea. “Seeya tomorrow, then!”

“_See you.”_

* * *

The ballroom dance school was a small office, organized to have a good part of it free of furniture. It had a big mirror on one of the walls, and a bulky stereo against the other. They were welcomed by the instructor, a woman in her thirties with long black hair tied in a high bun. She asked if Ryuji was there for a demonstration class, to which he denied politely. He took a seat on a comfy armchair, waiting as Yusuke changed his clothes in a small room at the back. He returned with his hair tied in a ponytail, with a loose t-shirt and pants that perfectly embraced the lower half of his body. Ryuji had to make an effort not to stare.

According to the instructor, they were practicing a Latin dance named “Salsa”. As they proceeded with those quick, complicated steps, part of Ryuji feared they would accidentally kick each others’ shins, or get their legs tangled up and fall. But they didn’t, completing those movements with surprising synchrony. At times, they would make a pause for her to make a few comments and observations, or correct his posture, but, overall, it was amazing to watch.

One hour passed quickly like that, and, after changing his clothes again, Yusuke approached Ryuji with a light smile.

“I hope it didn’t bore you,” he said.

“No!” answered Ryuji. “Wow… That was great!”

“Why, thank you.”

“I’m serious, man…” Insisted Ryuji, gesticulating to emphasize his words. “I didn’t even think legs could move like that. I mean… I don’t think most people’s do, at least.”

Yusuke’s expression brightened, making Ryuji’s heart skip a beat.

“You should try it,” he suggested. “I could be your partner.”

Ryuji almost laughed at that idea.

“I’d probably get too embarrassed to try,” he shook his head. “Not a big fan of havin’ people lookin’ at me, especially if I can mess it up.”

“I suppose I’m quite the contrary…” admitted Yusuke. “It’s good to be recognized by something I did myself.”

Those words gave his interest in dancing a new meaning in Ryuji’s eyes. You couldn’t take credit for another person’s dance, after all.

“I think I can understand the feeling,” he said.

They said their goodbyes to the instructor, leaving the building.

“Just so you know…” said Yusuke. “I’m allowed to bring a friend to participate in a demonstration class. To see if they like it and decide to join.”

That suggestion made Ryuji groan.

“Yusuke…”

“Just a thought,” quickly added Yusuke. “You don’t need to give an answer now.”

Ryuji nodded.

“So, shall we go?” asked Yusuke.

“Yeah,” Ryuji checked his phone. “Our session begins in around half an hour.”

“We can take our time, then.”

Ryuji nodded, then lowered his face.

“Why are you smiling?” asked Yusuke in an amused voice.

“Still impressed.”

Yusuke let out a small laugh, absentmindedly playing with his own hair.

“You’re making me feel embarrassed,” he admitted.

“But you’re so good!” insisted Ryuji. “And I didn’t know until right now!”

“You have your share of talents as well.” Yusuke looked at him with some curiosity. “Speaking of which, you were on the track team of your school, right?”

“Yeah, but I quit last year.”

“I’ve never seen you running.” Yusuke made a pause, imagining it. “It must be quite a sight.”

“Well, I _was_ the ace of the team,” answered Ryuji. “I’m no good with my leg like this, though... Would probably look like a dyin’ deer.”

Yusuke furrowed his brow.

“Aren’t you being too hard on yourself?”

“Nah, it’s just how it is,” Ryuji shrugged. “At least my limpin’ isn’t as ugly now as it was just after the surgery.”

That comment made Yusuke observe him for quite a while. He seemed about to say something, but instead, placed a hand on Ryuji’s shoulder, pressing it lightly.

“What?” asked Ryuji.

“Nothing.”

Ryuji was about to leave it at that when, a few seconds later, Yusuke proceeded.

“I don’t like when you say things like that,” he admitted.

“Like what?” Ryuji furrowed his brow. “You mean about my leg?”

“It’s more about the way you say it.”

Yusuke sighed, crossing his arms before continuing.

“Every time you talk about yourself, you do it negatively. As if there’s nothing good about you. It is…” he made a pause, pressing his lips together. “I don’t like it.”

Ryuji was about to protest, but Yusuke’s frustrated words made him think.

“I really do it that much?” he asked, instead.

“You do,” said Yusuke. “Be it about school, or the Phantom Thieves, or you as a person. Even when I ask you to play an instrument for me, you always remind me that you’re not that good at it, no matter how many times I say that you _are_.”

Ryuji considered it for a while. It wasn’t like he was actively trying to say bad things about himself. If anything, by that point, it had become more of an instinctive reaction than anything else.

“I didn’t notice it,” he admitted.

He spent some time in silence, thinking, then looked at Yusuke.

“Does it bother you that much?” he asked.

“It does.”

“Then, next time I do it, tell me. I’ll try to stop.”

That answer made Yusuke’s face brighten a little.

“You will?” he asked.

Ryuji nodded, making Yusuke’s smile grow bigger.

“Then,” said Yusuke, “to compensate, tell me a good thing about yourself.”

The unexpected request made Ryuji widen his eyes.

“What?”

“No, make it two.” Corrected Yusuke, furrowing his brow. “Perhaps three is a better number.”

“Wait…!” Ryuji gestured with both hands in an attempt to make him slow down. “One thing at a time!”

Yusuke laughed at his reaction.

“Very well,” he said, “I’m waiting.”

His answer made it clear that he wasn’t about to let that subject go. Ryuji tried to think of something he could say, but the pressure of having Yusuke there, looking at him, made it much harder.

“I can kinda cook well, I guess…” he said, finally.

Yusuke narrowed his eyes.

“You guess?” he repeated.

“I know!” corrected Ryuji. “I know I can cook kinda well.”

“I don’t like that ‘kinda’, but I’ll let it pass this time,” said Yusuke. “Next one?”

Ryuji groaned, but tried to find an answer.

“Oh, I know!” He said, opening a wide smile. “I can play three different musical instruments! I bet most people can’t do that!”

“They certainly can’t,” agreed Yusuke, sounding amused. “Now, another one.”

“Another one…?”

“The last one, I promise.”

As much as Ryuji tried to think of something else, nothing seemed to come to mind.

“Can’t you help me a little?” he asked. “I can’t think of anythin’ right now.”

“Very well,” sighed Yusuke, “but only because you made an effort.”

Yusuke took a moment to answer, and when he did, his voice was low and serious.

“You are unstoppable.”

It made Ryuji raise his eyebrow, unsure if his friend was joking or not.

“Where did _that _come from?” he asked.

“I’m serious.”

Yusuke came to a halt, and so did Ryuji, looking at him.

“You had something important to you, and had it taken away,” he proceeded. “Yet, instead of giving up or feeling sorry for yourself, you found something else and kept going. Many would have given up in your place. You are a very strong person.”

“You didn’t give up either,” reminded Ryuji.

“I did,” Yusuke lowered his voice. “I’m still running from it.”

Ryuji’s heart tightened at that answer. He lowered his gaze, a wave of guilt filling his chest.

“Sorry,” he said, “but I’m not as strong as you think.”

“Or maybe _you_ are the one who can’t see it.”

Yusuke’s response made Ryuji look up again.

“You are an impressive person, Ryuji,” he proceeded. “You simply don’t realize it yourself.”

That urge to disagree almost overcame Ryuji, making him want to remind Yusuke of all his flaws, and of how unworthy of those words he was. This time, however, he was conscious of it and fought back.

“Thanks,” he said instead.

They arrived at the movie theater a few minutes later, getting inside just before the trailers started. Ryuji’s eyes were on the screen, but his mind was still on what Yusuke had said. It was always him, wasn’t it? The one giving him strength, and reminding him of the good parts of himself… Making him feel cared about, even when he thought he didn’t deserve it.

Ryuji just wished he could make him feel that same way.

He hesitated for a long while, until the trailers were already over and the movie was about to start, then reached for Yusuke’s hand. Part of him was already prepared for Yusuke to move his hand away, but instead, he intertwined their fingers. Neither said anything, but their hands stayed joined for the rest of the movie.

When the credits started to roll, Ryuji turned to face Yusuke, who was already looking at him. For a moment, neither of them moved, silently gazing into each other’s eyes.

Then, almost at the same time, they leaned forward, joining their lips in a long kiss.

* * *

Ryuji didn’t feel like becoming Yusuke’s boyfriend had changed their relationship. Instead, it was more as if new things had been added to it, like the many — _so many_ — touches and kisses they shared when alone, or how they would discreetly hold each other’s hands under the table of a cafe, while sitting side by side on the train, or when walking on an empty street. Now, whenever Ryuji had the urge to touch Yusuke’s face, kiss his lips, or caress his hair, he simply did it, assured that Yusuke appreciated that intimacy as much as himself.

_ **Yusuke: I** _ _ **’ll meet you in Shibuya at ten.** _

_ **Yusuke: Sleep well.** _

Ryuji smiled at those messages, still unable to grasp the idea that someone like Yusuke had chosen _him_ when he had so many, much more interesting people around. He tried to contain his excitement as he closed his eyes, falling asleep soon after.

A sudden loud noise made Ryuji jolt up from the bed with his heart racing. His whole body felt cold, and for a while he couldn’t tell where he was, or what was happening. There was a heavy, suffocating feeling in his chest that _something_ was wrong, but he didn’t know what it was, or how to stop it. His confusion only made that feeling of dread even worse.

It seemed to take an eternity for it to finally subside. With his mind getting clearer, he was able to conclude it had just been the neighbor getting home late and slamming the door, or maybe dropping something on the ground as he entered his place with the lights out. He knew it, but his brain was quick to make all the wrong assumptions, filling his head with things he usually tried not to think about. He stayed on his bed, too tired to move, even after the first lights of the morning came through his window. _That__’s right… He was supposed to meet Yusuke that morning._

The realization made his chest tighten. As much as he wanted to see Yusuke, he knew it would be a bad idea to go out like that. He would just spend the whole day anxious for no reason, and risk start crying over the smallest things. If anything, he would just ruin both of their days.

Gathering his courage, Ryuji reached for his phone, typing a message to Yusuke, hoping he wouldn’t be mad at that sudden change of plans.

  
**Ryuji: I don****’t think I can go out today.**

As soon as he sent it, he was taken by guilt. He didn’t have enough time to start to overthink it, though, since the answer came soon after.

  
_**Yusuke: Is something wrong?**_

How was he supposed to answer that? _‘There was a loud noise in the middle of the night, and now I feel like trash’_? Just thinking about it was enough to make him feel like an idiot.

  
**Ryuji: Just not feeling too well.**

_ **Yusuke: Do you need something?** _

**Ryuji: No, I** **’m fine.**

_ **Yusuke: May I go see you?** _

Ryuji hesitated before answering. He knew it would be best to say ‘no’, and avoid an unpleasant situation. Still… There was _that _part of him that didn’t want to be alone — that wanted _Yusuke_ to be there. Before he could change his mind, he typed and sent that small answer.

**Ryuji: Yes.**

Yusuke arrived around an hour later. As soon as he stepped inside, he looked at Ryuji’s face with clear concern.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Are you feeling unwell?”

He placed a hand on Ryuji’s forehead, which resulted in his first smile since the previous night.

“I’m not really sick,” reassured Ryuji. “It’s just somethin’ that happens from time to time.”

“Care to explain?”

“It’s nothin’, really.”

“Ryuji, please. I’m worried about you.”

Ryuji averted his gaze, uncomfortable with the idea. He knew he should give Yusuke some kind of explanation for canceling their plans, and for making him go there to see him… But those things were hard to explain. _Too hard_.

“Let’s just go to my room, okay?” he said. “My mom’s still asleep, and I don’t wanna wake her.”

Yusuke agreed, following him. Ryuji sat on his bed, gesturing for Yusuke to do the same. They stayed silent for a while, until Ryuji could organize his thoughts and find the words.

“There are some really stupid things, like loud noises, people screaming, or the smell of booze…” He started to explain. “Sometimes this stuff just gets to me. Last night, I woke up with a loud noise comin’ from another apartment, and… I panicked. I couldn’t go back to sleep. Even if I knew nothin’ was gonna happen to me, I just couldn’t calm down.”

He bent his knees against his chest, hugging them.

“Even now, there’s still this feeling that somethin’ bad will happen at any moment.”

Yusuke observed him for a while.

“I understand,” he said.

Ryuji looked at him, seeing no sign of judgment in his eyes. It made him calm down a little.

“Sorry,” he said. “I wish I could deal better with this.”

“There’s no reason to apologize.” Yusuke moved a little closer to him, placing a hand on his back. “Is there any way I can help?”

He thought about that question, then leaned in Yusuke’s direction.

“Just stay here,” he asked.

“Alright.”

Yusuke carefully hugged him close to his chest, caressing his hair. It made Ryuji relax, only noticing his hasty breath when it was already slowing back to normal.

“Does this happen frequently?” asked Yusuke after a while.

“I don’t know…” admitted Ryuji. “I can spend a month without any problem, and then this shit happens for a whole week straight. It just comes outta nowhere, makes me feel like trash for a while, and then goes away. There are times I don’t even know why it happens.”

“And right now? Do you know why it made you react like that?”

Ryuji didn’t answer. It wasn’t like he didn’t know the reason, but talking about it was…

“Sorry,” he muttered.

Yusuke simply shook his head with an understanding smile.

“It’s alright,” he said. “Can you tell me how you are feeling, at least?”

Ryuji considered his next words for a while.

“Don’t understand this wrong, okay?” he asked. “But, to be honest, I just wish I could disappear.”

Yusuke stared at him, and Ryuji knew he _had_ understood it wrong.

“I don’t mean I wanna die,” he added quickly. “More like, I don’t wanna live.”

“Isn’t it the same as dying?”

_Oh, no_ _… That wasn’t getting any better._

“No!” He tried to find the right words, but it proved to be more challenging than he expected. “I don’t know how to explain… More like, being nowhere, not havin’ to think about shit. Y’know, not existin’ for a while.”

Yusuke’s silence made it clear that he was still bothered by the idea.

“It _is_ different,” insisted Ryuji, slightly frustrated. “I just don’t know how to explain.”

The silence persisted for a while longer, until Yusuke let out a low sigh.

“I believe you,” he said. “And I think I can understand what you meant, in a way.”

Ryuji raised his head, looking at him.

“Do you feel like that too?” he asked.

“I suppose,” answered Yusuke. “But on a smaller scale. More like an urge to isolate from others.”

That answer surprised Ryuji, especially coming from someone like Yusuke, who seemed so carefree and outgoing; but maybe he should have expected something like that, all things considered. He turned his body until it was facing Yusuke’s, and his boyfriend did the same, accommodating Ryuji between his legs. Ryuji hugged his neck, circling Yusuke’s hips with his legs, giving him a light kiss on the cheek before resting the chin on his shoulder.

“You know you can talk to me when you feel bad, right?” asked Ryuji.

A small, humorless chuckle, left Yusuke’s lips.

“My apologies,” he said. “I came here to make you feel better, and instead, I started to complain.”

“I’m tellin’ you it’s fine to complain.”

Yusuke didn’t answer, and, as much as Ryuji wanted to insist on the subject, he knew he didn’t have the right to, especially after Yusuke respected his choice to stay silent. Part of him wondered if, despite his words, Yusuke had felt as frustrated as Ryuji was at that very moment.

“Do you think of anything else when you’re like this?” asked Yusuke some time later.

Ryuji hesitated before answering. This time, however, he used Yusuke’s silence as a reason not to do the same.

“Yeah,” he said. “I start to think about a lot of shit.”

“Bad memories?”

“That too, but…” He made a pause, having some difficulty to turn his thoughts into words. “I mostly have this feelin’ that I’m just… here?” He knew his words didn’t make much sense, and tried to explain them better. “That there isn’t even a reason for me to exist… That, if I just disappeared today, no one would notice it. Maybe they’d even be relieved.”

Yusuke moved away from him, staring at his face.

“That’s absurd!” he said.

His loud voice made Ryuji regret his words.

“Sorry…” he muttered. “I know you don’t like when I do this.”

Yusuke’s expression softened with that answer.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said.

He brought Ryuji close again, caressing his hair in an attempt to comfort him. The pure affection and concern in that gesture made Ryuji tear up, needing to make an effort to not start crying.

“You would be missed by more people than you think,” proceeded Yusuke in a low voice. “I… Honestly, I don’t know what I would do.”

“Sorry.”

“Shh, it’s alright.”

Yusuke kissed Ryuji’s head. The minutes passed without either of them moving away, gathering strength from that proximity as they sorted out their own thoughts.

“It doesn’t need to be today,” said Yusuke after some time. “But when you’re more comfortable with it, could we talk about this again?”

Ryuji raised his eyes, looking at Yusuke’s face.

“If I do, will you do the same?” he asked.

His question made Yusuke stare at him with a lost expression.

“Pardon?”

“I know you’re keepin’ stuff inside yourself too,” explained Ryuji. “You’re just better at hidin’ than I am.”

Yusuke didn’t seem too happy with the idea. After a few seconds of consideration, however, he nodded.

“Fine.”

“Really?” asked Ryuji.

“Yes, really.”

“Okay, then…”

More minutes of silence followed, and a feeling of uneasiness started to grow in Ryuji’s chest with each second.

“You sure you wanna be here?” he asked. “I’m just makin’ you waste your time.”

“Of course I want to,” answered Yusuke. “And don’t be silly… Being with you is never a waste of time.”

Yusuke’s words and his gentle, soft voice seemed to make something break inside Ryuji. He lowered his head, and soon the tears left his eyes, accompanied by small sobs.

“Ryuji?” Yusuke called him, concerned. “What’s the matter?”

Ryuji didn’t say anything. Not because he wanted to hide something from Yusuke, but simply because he didn’t know the answer.

* * *

A whole month went by without either of them touching that subject again. Many things had happened since that day, including the whole situation with the hacker Medjed and Sojiro’s daughter, that gave the group little to no time to think about anything else. Now that everything had been solved, and Futaba had decided to join their group, they could finally relax again.

Ryuji and Yusuke’s time together, which had been greatly reduced during that period, also came back to normal. They went out together, and spent time in each other’s places, as usual. However, as much as they tried to avoid that subject, it still seemed to haunt them, resulting in far more uneasy silences than Ryuji was able to ignore. For that reason, during an afternoon he was spending in his boyfriend’s room, he finally gathered the courage to speak.

“You still wanna… Y’know, talk about _that_?”

Yusuke looked at him, and despite the lack of context, it was clear that he knew what Ryuji was talking about. He averted his gaze, thinking for a moment before answering.

“Yes.”

There was a clear hesitation in his voice, and it bothered Ryuji.

“Just to make it clear…” he said. “If I tell you everythin’ I have to say, you’ll do the same, right?”

“Yes.”

“Alright.”

Ryuji took a deep breath. That wasn’t a pleasant subject for him either, but he was willing to deal with it if that was what it took to make Yusuke open up to him.

“You probably realized already that my parents aren’t together anymore…” he started to say.

Yusuke nodded. Ryuji told him about his father, and everything that man did to him and his mother. How, at times, Ryuji feared he would go too far and kill both of them. How he slowly realized that the father he once loved had changed into someone he came to despise. How those constant fights still sounded so fresh in his memories, to the point of making him jump at any unexpected noise, even years later.

Then, he talked about Kamoshida, and how that man pushed him to the limit until he finally did something stupid. How everyone turned his back on him after that, even the people he used to consider his friends. How he would never be able to run again because of his injured leg. How hurt his mother looked when she heard of what had happened. And, especially, how much it made him afraid of getting closer to other people again.

“I thought things would get better if I just didn’t fight back,” he admitted. “That if I was a good and quiet kid, and kept my distance from others, no one would have any reason to get mad, or hurt me again. I thought things would be better if I just pushed people away from me ‘cause, even if I felt lonely, it was still better than going through all that shit again.”

A sad smile spread through his lips.

“But it didn’t work…” he said. “I just ended up all miserable, and became someone I hate ‘cause of it.”

Yusuke reached for his hand, carefully intertwining their fingers.

“How about our team?” he asked. “You see us as your friends, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” said Ryuji. “Akira was the first person in ages I managed to get close to. The guy was feelin’ like trash when I met him… And it made me so mad that people were talkin’ so much shit about him when he did nothin’ wrong. Made me wanna protect him, y’know?”

Ryuji chuckled at that thought. It sounded pretty silly, considering how Akira was their leader, and a much stronger person than he would ever be.

“He was the first friend I had in a long time,” he added. “Then there was Ann, Yuuki, Morgana, Makoto… and you.”

He leaned against Yusuke, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Really…” proceeded Ryuji. “Meetin’ you guys made me wanna try and get close to other people again. The problem is, there’s a part of me that is just waitin’ for somethin’ bad to happen. For me to fuck things up and make you all hate me. I have to fight the urge to push you guys away every single day, before one of us can hurt the other.”

“Even me?” asked Yusuke.

“Especially you,” Ryuji lowered his voice. “You’re the person I’m most scared of losing.”

Yusuke placed his hand on Ryuji’s chin, lifting his face and kissing his forehead.

“Don’t be silly,” he said.

Ryuji reached for Yusuke’s hand, kissing his wrist.

“I know,” he said. “I’m tryin’ to change my mind too. It’s just that, sometimes, my doubts are stronger than me, and I get all scared for no reason.”

“I see.”

They joined their hands again.

“We all truly care about you, you know?” asked Yusuke.

“Yeah…” answered Ryuji. “I know.”

“Besides,” proceeded Yusuke, “I wouldn’t have the courage to face Madarame and leave my old life if it hadn’t been for you.

“I won’t lie… I had to hold myself back not to punch that old bastard in the face when I realized what he had been doing to you.”

Those words made a light smile appear on Yusuke’s face.

“I remember your anger quite vividly,” he said. “I believe that was the moment that made me start to fall for you.”

That declaration made Ryuji widen his eyes.

“Really?” he asked.

Yusuke nodded.

“I only realized it much later, though,” he added. “When you took a hit for me in Mementos. It was nothing but a scratch, but I got so angry at you…” The memory made him shake his head with a brief laugh. “Ann even scolded me because of my overreaction.”

Ryuji’s mind seemed unable to follow his words, making an effort to understand their meaning.

“You mean that, since then, you…?

Yusuke confirmed with a nod.

“When I came back, the only thing in my mind was how scared I was of you getting hurt,” he said. “It didn’t take much longer for me to realize how important you are to me. More than anyone else.”

“Wow…” A small, surprised giggle escaped Ryuji’s lips. “I’m kinda flattered right now.”

Yusuke smiled, reaching for his face, caressing his cheek.

“You barely knew me, and still, was willing to defend me,” he said. “Be it from that man, or those shadows… You were always there. I didn’t know how to deal with my own emotions, but I knew that I wanted to do the same for you. Even if you never returned my romantic feelings, I still wanted to be someone who made you feel safe. As safe as I feel when I’m around you.”

Ryuji looked at him, having some difficulty to find an answer to his words.

“I had no idea you felt like that around me…” he muttered.

“I know,” a small laugh left Yusuke’s lips. “Excuse my bluntness, but you can be quite dense at times. You didn’t seem to realize my feelings, no matter how much I flirted with you. I was about to give up, but then you finally asked me out that day, at the train station.”

“Oh…”

Those words made Ryuji think of those many moments when he wondered if there was another meaning in Yusuke’s words, only to soon brush off the thought, sure that it had only been his imagination. He lowered his head, slightly embarrassed.

“Sorry for that,” he said.

“Don’t be,” Yusuke laughed to himself, then looked at Ryuji with a fond expression. “If anything, I’m glad we became friends so fast.”

Ryuji nodded, a light smile taking his face.

“Me too.”

They stayed like that for a while, in comfortable silence. However, Ryuji knew that conversation was far from being over.

“So, there it is…” he said. “I just let it all out. It’s time for you to do the same, don’t you think?”

Yusuke’s body tensed up, and he averted his gaze.

“Yusu…” Ryuji gently touched his face, making Yusuke look at him. “You promised you’d try.”

He didn’t respond for a while, and Ryuji placed a kiss on his chin, looking into his eyes.

“I know it’s hard,” he spoke in a low voice. “But if you keep everythin’ to yourself, it’ll only keep hurtin’ you.”

Yusuke nodded. Ryuji gave him some time to deal with his own emotions.

“I don’t know how to word it,” he finally said, “but sometimes I feel like I’m not a real person.”

“What do you mean?” asked Ryuji.

A bitter smile took Yusuke’s lips.

“You know I’m nothing but a facade, don’t you?” he said. “I’m not confident, or sociable, or interesting in any manner… What you see is me trying to be what others expect. I want people to like me, so I try to be what they want me to be.” He shook his head. “I’m surprised they don’t seem to realize it. Most of the time, I only want to get away from any social situation I’m in and lock myself in my room.” He sighed. “It’s quite exhausting.”

“Yusu…”

Ryuji thought about those words for a moment, feeling them weight inside his chest.

“Are you feelin’ like that now?” he asked.

“No,” said Yusuke. “Not when I’m with you.”

His own answer made Yusuke laugh sadly.

“It’s strange…” he said. “Even if I show you my eccentric and odd personality, you won’t go away. I suppose I got too comfortable around you, and allowed this ugly side of mine to resurface.”

“There’s nothin’ ugly about you,” answered Ryuji, to then lower his gaze. “You don’t try to act like that around me anymore, do you?”

“I don’t.”

His answer sounded honest, and it gave Ryuji some peace of mind.

“Good,” he said. “I like my Yusuke the way he is.”

“An eccentric, failed artist?”

“Someone who gives his all to the things he loves.” Ryuji corrected him in a sweet, but firm tone. “Who went through so much shit and is still the sweetest, most caring person I know, and who sees the good things in others when no one else does. Now stop talking shit about yourself, or I’ll make you list a bunch of good stuff about you too.”

Those words made Yusuke smile. A sincere one this time.

“Very well,” he said. “But I suppose you already listed them all.”

“I could keep the list going until evening.”

Ryuji reached for Yusuke’s bangs, moving them away from his face. Yusuke closed his eyes, enjoying that intimate gesture.

“Hey…” proceeded Ryuji in a low voice. “If I’m not intruding too much, why did you start actin’ like someone else? I mean… You’re damn likable the way you are.”

“I never felt like that,” admitted Yusuke. “That man, Madarame, was constantly reminding me of how useless and aggravating I am… I grew up believing there is nothing good in myself other than my art.” He made a pause, slightly furrowing his brow. “So, when I tried to make friends, I tended to be as different from my actual self as I could. I thought people would reject me otherwise.”

Once again, the hatred for that old artist burned inside Ryuji’s chest.

“What a fuckin’ bastard…” he muttered.

“I was nothing but a tool to him,” proceeded Yusuke. “When I couldn’t ignore it anymore and confronted him about it, everything became worse. Instead of manipulating me, he started to use threats. Said he would ruin my life if I disobeyed him. So I simply endured… And when I was outside of that place, I pretended I was someone else. I thought it would bring me comfort, but… I knew I was just lying. To myself, and everyone else around me.”

Yusuke let out a long, tired sigh.

“But it still seemed better than losing everything,” he added.

“That’s…”

Ryuji’s words died in his mouth. Yusuke forced a smile.

“It was partially my own fault,” he said. “I could still have gone against him, but I chose to stay quiet.”

“No way in hell that was your fault!” retorted Ryuji. “‘Course you’d be scared to lose what you had… Anyone would, in your place!”

“Still, I can’t help but wonder if things would have turned out better if only I had rebelled a little more.” Yusuke lowered his gaze. “But it’s possible that, if I did, that would be my regret now, instead of this.”

The feeling behind those words was too familiar to Ryuji.

“It feels like you’re no good, no matter what you do,” he muttered.

“Yes,” agreed Yusuke. “No matter what I did, that man would still have found a way to ruin my life. It makes me feel so… frustrated. To the point I can barely keep it inside my chest. It’s almost as if, if I try to keep it hidden any longer, I will suffocate.”

“So, why don’t you try to let it out?”

That simple suggestion made Yusuke flinch.

“I don’t think I know how,” he admitted. “Every time I tried to talk to that man, it only made everything worse. I suppose I got used to keeping everything to myself.”

His vulnerable expression made Ryuji want to hold him in his arms, and keep him safe from anything that could harm him again. But he knew that was impossible, so he did the only thing he could.

“Yusuke, look at me.” He asked in a soft voice, cupping his boyfriend’s face with a hand. “You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I know…”

“Can you try to talk to me, then? You can stop if it’s too much.”

Yusuke hesitated a little.

“Alright.”

Despite his answer, Yusuke spent a long time in silence, until he finally shook his head.

“Sorry, I don’t even know where to begin,” he said.

“It’s fine.”

Ryuji thought for a while, trying to think of a way to help him.

“Why are you so frustrated?” he asked. “Why do you feel like this is suffocatin’ you?”

“Because…”

Again, Yusuke stopped talking.

“’Cause of how he treated you?” insisted Ryuji. “’Cause he took things that are important to you? You can just say what comes to your mind. Yusu… No matter what you say, that man won’t hurt you again.”

Yusuke took a deep breath, hesitating a while longer before speaking.

“He let my mother die,” he said. “He stole her work and used it to increase his own fame.”

He glanced at Ryuji, who encouraged him with a nod.

“Then, as if that wasn’t enough, he used me… Just like a disposable tool. He made me paint for him every single day, and, if I didn’t, he…” his voice failed for a second. “He would lock me in my bedroom and refuse to feed me until I managed to do something. If it wasn’t good enough for him, he would just hit me until he was satisfied. Even when I did everything he told me to, he still yelled at me… He still said I was useless.”

Yusuke reached for the end of his own t-shirt, fidgeting with it.

“Ever since I was a child, all I did was to please him. I was so grateful that he gave me a place to live… I would have done anything for him, and still… He treated me as nothing but garbage. I never understood why… So, for a long time, I simply assumed _I_ was the problem. That I was a detestable creature, and he was kind enough to tolerate me. But as I grew older I… I couldn’t help but realize how unfair it was.” He clenched his fists. “I did everything I could, goddammit! Why couldn’t he at least recognize it?”

Yusuke continued to speak, his voice gradually getting louder as his anger and frustration surfaced. Ryuji simply observed him in silence, listening as he described all those horrible things that man had done to him; all the pain, fear, and loneliness that he had endured.

“I just wanted a father!” he yelled. “I wanted someone who would care about me! Someone who would like me for what I am, and not what I can offer! But he never saw me as anything but a tool, and because of him I thought…” his voice cracked. “I thought no one would ever love me! That I needed to be something else for anyone to care! That my true self was… That I was something ugly, disposable, and useless, and—”

Yusuke stopped talking when a loud sob came out of his throat. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on the mattress, curling into a ball.

“I hate him so much…!” he proceeded. “I hate how he took everything I loved away from me! I hate how I still can’t forget everything he did and said to me! I hate that he made me believe I am worth nothing… That I will never be good enough!” He let out an angry laugh. “He thinks everything is fine now, just because he confessed? But what about me? No matter how many times he confesses or apologizes, he could never return everything he took away from me! I want my mother back! I want my life back! I want to believe I’m worth more than… Than this!”

Ryuji leaned in his direction, carefully hugging his shoulders, staying close to him without a word, simply waiting until Yusuke found the strength to continue.

“I tried to forgive him so many times…” he proceeded. “Everyone said I should, but… I can’t. I just can’t.”

“You don’t need to,” answered Ryuji. “What he did to you was horrible, and you shouldn’t force yourself to forgive him.”

Yusuke raised his head, looking at Ryuji.

“Doesn’t it make me a bad person, though…?” he asked, uncertain. “The same as him?”

“Of course not,” guaranteed Ryuji. “He’s the one who hurt you… Nothin’ that happened was your fault, in any way.”

Despite his words, Yusuke still seemed unsure.

“Yusu…” said Ryuji, caressing his back. “I can’t forgive my old man either. Do you think I’m a bad person for that?”

Yusuke shook his head.

“Then, it’s the same for you,” continued Ryuji. “You’re not a bad person for feelin’ like this. You don’t need to force yourself to forgive Madarame…” he made a pause. “But you can’t let these feelings stop you from gettin’ better. That’s why I asked you to talk to me… You won’t get better until you stop keepin’ it all to yourself, and feelin’ guilty about things that weren’t your fault.”

“I know…” answered Yusuke. “I know, but… It’s not easy…”

His words were accompanied by pained sobs. Ryuji carefully helped him sit again. He reached for a blanket at the lower end of the bed, placing it around his boyfriend’s shoulders, then sat against the wall, carefully making Yusuke lean on his side against his chest, with his head on Ryuji’s shoulder.

“I know it isn’t…” said Ryuji. “But you don’t need to go through this alone, okay? Just let it all out… We can deal with anything else later.”

Yusuke did as he said, quietly sobbing with his face against Ryuji’s neck, while Ryuji held him close and caressed his hair. The minutes passed, and Yusuke started to calm down, relaxing in Ryuji’s arms.

“I’m so tired of all this…” he muttered. “Of running away, of lying, of… everything.”

“Then stop it,” said Ryuji. “You’re good the way you are, Yusu. You don’t need to lie for people to like you.”

“But I’m not a likable person. I’m strange, awkward, and self-absorbed… If I don’t act like someone else, I’ll—”

“This is just what he told you,” Ryuji interrupted him.

Yusuke moved away, looking at Ryuji’s face.

“But was he right?” he asked, seeming afraid of the answer. “Please… Just tell me the truth.”

“No, he wasn’t.” Ryuji kissed his temple. “Yusu, you don’t need to try and make everyone like you. Some people won’t like who you are, but that’s just how things are. I know there are others who’ll like _this_ Yusuke better, just like I do.”

A light smile took Yusuke’s lips.

“Do you really?” he asked.

“Of course, you idiot.”

Again, Yusuke hesitated.

“Wouldn’t you be happier if I was… different?”

“No way in hell,” assured Ryuji. “Really… You’re the most lovable guy I’ve ever met. And you’re incredible… Sometimes I think you can do anything, as long as you put your mind into it. I love when you don’t try to hide how passionate you are about the things you like… You look so invested and happy that I just want to be part of it too.”

As he spoke, Ryuji couldn’t hold back a fond smile.

“And not only that…” he proceeded. “You have so many things in your head already, and still, you did everythin’ you could to make me feel better about myself. I know I can count on you, no matter what happens, and you have no idea of how grateful I am for that.”

He looked into Yusuke’s eyes, caressing his cheek.

“So, I want to help you too,” he said. “I want you to love this side of yourself that you keep pushing away. I want other people to know how amazing Yusuke Kitagawa truly is ‘cause, no matter what that man said, you are more than worthy of being loved.”

Yusuke stayed silent for a moment, as if letting those words sink in.

“You really think so?” he asked, unsure. “Do you really think someone could love me the way I am now?”

Ryuji chuckled at that question.

“Yusuke…” he said. “I _love_ you.”

To Ryuji, it had been obvious from the beginning. Still, as soon as he said those words, Yusuke’s expression changed to pure surprise. Ryuji tightened his embrace, kissing his head.

“I love you,” he repeated in a lower tone.

Yusuke didn’t answer, still looking at him. He freed his arms from the blanket, placing them around Ryuji’s neck, while Ryuji embraced his waist. Their positions slowly changed, until both were lying side by side on the bed, with Ryuji still holding Yusuke against his chest.

“How are you feeling?” he asked after some time.

“Terrible…” admitted Yusuke. “But much lighter.”

“It’ll get better. I promise, okay?”

Ryuji rested his face against Yusuke’s head, closing his eyes.

“I’m here for you,” he said. “No matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you.”

“I know.”

Yusuke lifted his head, placing a light kiss on Ryuji’s collarbone. He then looked at his face, offering him a soft smile.

“Ryuji…” he whispered. “I love you too.”

* * *

It happened slowly, maybe too slowly for either of them to notice at first, but, despite everything, they started to heal.

It would be an exaggeration to say that everything had changed after that day. Still, it was impossible to deny that it had deeply affected both of them and their relationship. Talking about the past was still painful, but now, whenever Ryuji’s mind was filled with negative thoughts, or when Yusuke found it hard to believe that he was worthy of love, instead of isolating themselves, they sought each other’s help. It could lead to a brief talk, followed by a pleasant afternoon, or a whole day of fighting their concerns and self-doubts. No matter the case, they went through it together.

_Always together_.

“It’ll be hard to go back with this rain…” commented Ryuji, as the sound of that sudden storm became louder outside of Yusuke’s room.

“Just wait until it stops,” said Yusuke, who was lying on the bed, beside him. “You can stay here for as long as you want.”

Ryuji offered him a smile.

“Thanks,” he said. “I think I’ll do that… Way better than gettin’ a cold.”

“Certainly.”

Yusuke caressed his waist under the covers, and Ryuji leaned in his direction, placing a light kiss on his lips.

“Listen, love…” said Yusuke after a while. “I have a proposal to make.”

Those words made Ryuji look at him, curious.

“What is it?” he asked.

“If I allow you to teach me a musical instrument, will you join me in my dance lessons?”

Ryuji’s smile faded a little, and he averted his gaze.

“I dunno if I can do that,” he said. “I’d be too embarrassed to dance with this leg.”

Yusuke nodded, seeming unsurprised.

“And what if it’s just the two of us?” he suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“I need a partner to practice,” explained Yusuke with a discreet grin. “You seem to be of the perfect height…” He traced Ryuji’s face with the back of his fingers, caressing his mouth with his thumb. “And have the perfect face, and the perfect mouth shape, and the perfect eye-color…”

Ryuji laughed at that answer.

“Are you flirtin’ with me?” he asked in disbelief.

“Perhaps.”

Before Ryuji could answer, Yusuke reached for his phone, playing a slow, instrumental song. He got up from the bed, offering him his hand, like an old-fashioned gentleman in a ballroom. Ryuji shook his head.

“You’re so corny…” he muttered.

Despite his words, he held Yusuke’s hand, allowing his boyfriend to help him get out of the bed as well.

“Let me warn you that I’m a shitty dancer, though...” he said. “Your feet will probably regret this.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Saying that, Yusuke held both of Ryuji’s hands, placing them over his shoulders. Then, he placed his own hands on Ryuji’s waist, bringing his body closer. Slowly, he started to move, guiding Ryuji as he followed his steps.

“I’m really bad, ain’t I?” asked Ryuji after a while.

“You’re doing quite well.”

“I know you’re lyin’.”

“I’m not,” insisted Yusuke. “And you haven’t stepped on my toes a single time.”

“Yet.”

Yusuke frowned at his response.

“Could it be that you want to make another list of your qualities?” he asked. “With thirty items this time?

The idea made Ryuji groan.

“No… I take it back,” he said. “I’m not doing as bad as I thought.”

“See? I told you that you were being too hard on yourself.” Yusuke pressed his lips together for a second, before asking: “How about that class, now?”

Ryuji considered it for a while, then let out a defeated sigh.

“You better get your eardrums ready, ‘cause you’re learnin’ to play the violin,” he said.

Yusuke’s smile was so bright that Ryuji almost had to look away.

“Sounds perfect!” he said, to then force a serious expression. “And, before we change the subject, I don’t want more negative talk about the man I’m madly in love with.”

Ryuji’s face twisted into a grimace, and he received a kiss on his cheek as a response.

“Don’t you get embarrassed by the things you say?” he asked.

“Not in the least,” answered Yusuke. “I could do even worse if I tried.”

“Oh, no…”

Yusuke approached his mouth to Ryuji’s ear, whispering the corniest pet names Ryuji could ever have imagined — and then some, — making him laugh until both broke the rhythm of that dance, and had to start again. This time, Ryuji leaned his head against Yusuke’s chest, who rested his face on the top of Ryuji’s head.

“How does it feel?” asked Yusuke.

“It’s nice,” admitted Ryuji.

“The dance or the proximity?”

“Both of them.”

Yusuke seemed pleased with that answer.

“So, would you like to do it again like this, as well?” he asked. “When we are alone?”

“With you?” Ryuji looked at Yusuke, his hand moving to the side of his neck, caressing it. “As many times as you want to.”

Yusuke raised his eyebrow with a smug expression.

“Now _you_ are the one flirting with me,” he said.

“Are you surprised?”

“Not even a little.”

Yusuke’s hand left Ryuji’s waist, caressing his cheek. Ryuji tilted his head upwards and closed his eyes, soon feeling Yusuke’s lips on his. It didn’t take long for that soft kiss to change into a passionate one. They slowly moved back to the bed, united in a tight embrace, their hands sliding under their clothes, fingers sinking in each other’s hair. They intertwined their legs in an attempt of getting closer, breaking that kiss only to catch their breaths or get a glimpse of their partner’s face. Yusuke was the one to move away, looking at Ryuji with a surprised expression.

“What’s wrong?” asked Ryuji.

“I want to draw something.”

That declaration was as surprising to Ryuji as the realization was to Yusuke.

“Really?” he asked. “You mean, right now?”

“Yes. Right now.”

Ryuji couldn’t hold back an excited laugh as Yusuke jumped out of the bed, approaching a cardboard box at the corner of his room, searching it until he came back with a sketchbook and a metal pencil-case. He sat at the end of the bed with his legs crossed, staring at that sketchbook for a while before finally opening it, quickly going through the pages until he found a blank one.

“So, what’s it gonna be?” asked Ryuji.

“I wonder…” answered Yusuke, as he chose a pencil from the case. “Perhaps this gorgeous man on my bed.”

That answer made Ryuji roll his eyes.

“C’mon…”

“What if I buy you dinner in return?” suggested Yusuke.

“Are you tryin’ to bribe me with food?”

“It usually works with me.”

Ryuji laughed, shaking his head.

“Wow,” he said. “I’m even gettin’ paid for my services… Was my kiss _that _inspiring?”

“I should start calling you my muse.”

“That’d be really embarrassin’, so… don’t.”

Yusuke smiled as he drew the first lines on the paper.

“Just stay as you are right now,” he asked. “It will only take a few minutes.”

“You better make me look beautiful,” said Ryuji.

“Simple enough.”

Ryuji watched as Yusuke sketched, making expressions of both disapproval and contentment at the page. He knew how much Yusuke used to love his art before Madarame ruined it for him, but seeing him like that, so focused and ecstatic, gave it all a new meaning. A pleasant warmth filled his whole chest.

“Done,” said Yusuke a few minutes later.

Ryuji moved to his side, looking at that drawing of himself with messy hair and a fond smile on his face. As embarrassing as it could be to admit it, Yusuke really made him look _beautiful_.

“It’s a little sketchy,” said Yusuke, “but I suppose that’s what happens when you don’t practice for such a long time.”

His words made Ryuji stare at him in disbelief.

“You call _this_ sketchy?” he asked. “It looks amazing!”

“I know I can do better.”

“Really?” Ryuji thought for a moment, but couldn’t imagine how it could get much better than that. “I wanna see it, then… The best of Yusuke Kitagawa.”

Once again, Yusuke showed that bright smile of his.

“You will,” he said. “Given enough time.”

“No problem, then,” answered Ryuji, kissing his face. “We still have a lot of time.”

Yusuke nodded, then lowered his gaze to that sketch, silently observing it for a long while, a satisfied smile on his lips.

“The things that man took away from me,” he said, “from the activities I used to love, to the personal traits I tried to hide, and the experiences I was never allowed to have…” He raised his eyes to Ryuji. “I feel like I can restore them if you are by my side.”

Ryuji was unable to find an answer. He knew how much those words meant, especially after everything his boyfriend had gone through. The fact that he trusted him so much, and that he wanted Ryuji in his future as much as Ryuji wanted Yusuke in his, made him feel a warm euphoria in his heart.

“Is there any way I can do the same for you?” asked Yusuke.

That question made Ryuji chuckle, shaking his head.

“C’mon, Yusu…” he said. “You already did.”

Yusuke raised his brow in an interrogative look. Ryuji smiled, pulling him close into an embrace, welcoming that familiar warmth once again. He would never be able to put into words how much Yusuke meant to him… How much he had changed his life for the better, and how much Ryuji looked forward to every moment they would still share in the following years. No words would ever be enough to express his feelings, but still, he tried.

“I feel like livin’ again.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked the idea of a more introverted Ryuji, and a sociable (and flirty) Yusuke as I thought about this AU. Besides, it seems like the consequence of being of the Moon arcana is having Yuuki's anxiety added to yours... Poor Ryuji.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked this fic! :)


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